The Buzzed Journey pt. 1
There I was... Scissors sharp, and determination on point. I had made up my mind! "I am finally buzzing my hair right off" I thought to myself as I stared in the mirror holding my scissors up to my pre-sectioned piggy tale - one of my favorite hairstyles to wear when I do have hair. But just as I went to cut, a floodgate of thoughts burst out of a dark corner of my brain. "what if people find you ugly? What if it upsets people and they don't like it?"... Worst of all, I thought, "what if my husband finds me unattractive?". That final thought had me withdraw my shears from the cutting position without a second thought. I stopped and sat with these new feelings for a moment. I sent Jesse a message letting him know today is the day, I included “I want to make sure this is something you are comfortable with” offering him one last chance to speak up if this was something he really wasn’t ok with. We had talked about it before, this is something I have wanted to do for a long while! But, I never really felt like I got the “permission” I was waiting for…
But then, I remembered that people WILL find me ugly, people WILL dislike it. That's already happening though. After all, we can't control how others perceive us. Plus, is it really worth convincing someone to accept you when so many great people already accept you for what you already are? Now that's more like it! I could already feel my self confidence and conviction in my decision flow through my body like a strong, warm hug. Just like that I am reminded that I have trust that our love is truly unconditional, and although it might not be his preference, he will absolutely still love me. It's as if a light came on! I mean, that's why I am doing this in the first place, for myself! To understand through lived experiences that my value proceeds my external appearance. Although Jesse hadn’t had the chance to view or respond to my message in the 4 minutes my mind took to shift again, I no longer felt like I needed to have any kind of permission. I realized he wouldn’t give it because he knew that it really wasn’t his place since it is something I wanted to do for myself.
Just like that; I grabbed my hair and without hesitation, I confidently made the first cut! Joy and excitement took over at this point. Once the clippers had cut about half my head, happy tears filled my eyes. Although unexpected, the reaction was very welcome. I felt brave and actually, very beautiful.
After finicking with the edges of my fresh new hair, I entered a state of achievement. Realizing at this moment that it had already happened! So many years of thinking and worrying, and I already love it! I realize immediately that like anything else, this journey will have its ups and downs.
As I talked to Jesse after the cut had happened, he said such reasonable things. If I recall correctly it went something like this "you will be excited about it, but you can't be disappointed by my reaction. My instinct might be to laugh, but you did this for you, not me. So wear it with confidence and pride, and know that I love you and nothing has changed." Although his brutal honesty congured up some concerns, he reaffirmed my intentions and when he came home, I felt loved the same way I had before. Except, this time it hit just a little different as my awareness was extra high for how grateful I really am for the way we love each other. It unlocked a deeper sense of connection within me, feeling so accepted.
blogging this journey feels like an important ingredient for growth. If you are following, please drop a comment below to let me know you’re here! I appreciate your time and interest <3
