The Buzzed Journey pt. 2
It’s been a couple days and here are my initial thoughts:
-Outside is VERY tingly, it makes me feel giddy. Every single breeze fills my scalp with a foreign amount of sensitivity. It offers me a great deal of mindfulness! Each new sensation brings me to the present moment and reminds me of my intentions.
-I find I can't wait to tell the people I love about my new hair, because I trust they will support me even if they don't particularly understand my choice. But it is nice to share my journey with them. It’s as if I see the greater picture of my relationships.
- My confidence is high, and it feels euphoric. I feel seen for who I am! Never before has a haircut prompted such interest in my mind, and it is REFRESHING!
It is as if a blanket of misconceptions was hiding a big ball of clarity, and a magician has theatrically lifted the sheet to reveal the final trick. I feel lighter, both physically and mentally.
When I first had the thought to shave my head, about three years ago, the feeling I had was more like the butterflies you get before going on a new rollercoaster. Although you’ve never seen it malfunction, you’ve also never felt it get you back safely.. I could tell I wanted the thrill of a radical change, but unlike a rollercoaster, it would take years before my hair was back to its original length.
I wondered if I was brave enough to hop on such a long and public ride, especially if it started off rockier than expected! As if you got on the rollercoaster, after spending an hour in line full of anticipation… Only for the ride attendant to tell you AFTER you are on that the breaks are completely broken and there is no plan for how to get it to stop. What if after I do it, I am filled with dread and a strong desire for it to stop?
What if’s would fill my brain and as it got foggy with conflicting ideas, I began to feel tired, uncomfortable, and confused. I would think to myself “I guess I don’t really know anything, do I even have anything valuable to share if people were listening?”. Plus, I had this sense of embarrassment as if I made it to the front of the line and decided not to ride the ride.
I sort of knew when I shaved my head people would ask me why, and that would offer an opportunity to share my thoughts! Potentially creating a difference in others perceptions of beauty. But, I was worried that my voice was not the one that should be heard, I come from much privilege! Plus, I am young. I worried that I simply didn’t have enough experience or wisdom to be the one to make any reasonable impact.
Fast forward to now (three years later), I knew it was time to actually get on the ride. There will never be a perfect time or reason, but I felt in myself that this desire was not going to go away. Acknowledging that shaving my head would be something that I should do simply for myself, regardless of whether it benefits or hinders others, gave me my final and unwavering answer; I want to do this!
I got so caught up in what if’s that I turned into a nervous wreck, and totally lost sight of my own interests in the moment. This spiral of thoughts hardly benefits others, and definitively doesn’t contribute to a better experience for me. As if my indecision and fear made me the least qualified to be making any positive impact at all. It is easy to impose limiting beliefs on ourselves, especially while making a change. A tasteful example of this that comes to my mind, was taught to me by S. N. Goenka. He mentions how fingernails and hair can be so beautiful. Yet the same hair and fingernails are somewhat off-putting if you see them laying on the floor severed from their body of origin. It is the same material, but it is our perceptions of value we project on to them that change how we feel towards them.
Abracadabra, I have clarity! When we learn to look past our limiting beliefs, we begin to feel free. Mindfulness teaches us to take things on as they are in the present moment. Phew, that is a much easier load to bear. Say it with me, I am enough! Start where you are at and grow to wherever you would like to be. Most of all… Believe in yourself, and find joy in your decisions.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this! I hope you too, feel a little lighter.
